my mommy heart

you left yesterday, I want to pretend it didn't happen.
but my heart aches.
i am angry about how I feel about it,
selfishly I blame me.
I know this is a life experience you must have,
I was never going to provide everything you need,
life is showing me that,
I just am not ready to accept it.
the denial is what hurts, all the what if's that play in this chemically imbalanced brain of mine.
I feel I can't share this with the ones I love, fear of hurting others while I am so broken.
what if we hadn't moved into this house, what if we had taken another year of living appart,
no sharing rooms, no blending this family, I now feel is breaking apart instead of growing together.
not only do I ache for my daughter, I ache for my sons.
I ache for my man, who can't make this better. for his daughters, who I have learned to love,
yet I harbor bad feelings, because they are here, and she is not.
I have felt the disconnect from my daughter for a long time, I know her growing up was going to cause some distance,
I am just unsure how to reconnect, now after she is not living here.
I relive the time my son went to live at his dad's,
the feeling of being unable to care for him on a daily basis, now he is 11, and I know that disconnection can never be completely erased.
I feel like I have failed as a mom, as a step-mom, and a girlfriend.
I know I haven't, but the feeling is overwhelming, in this darkness, I feel useless and even mean.
my hurt comes out in anger, but I am angry at life, not at the people in it.
depression is making it harder, and I know it will leave, at some point, but I wonder how much longer will it be so dark?

darkness

this dark cloud, it just won't let the light in.
all attempts are useless, communication is useless and misunderstandings are ugly.
I feel like I have failed at all I am working on.
work and family life are struggles, all I want to do is sleep.
have I been doing too much, not enough?
my body aches and my soul is tired.
this is depression, this is not what I want, I pray for some other fatal diagnosis.
then at least, no one can say I didn't do enough, or do the right thing.
then again, I am a smoker, so that is my choice...
all I feel and see are lose/lose situations.
I know I've been here before, I know the light does come back, and I won't feel this much longer.
there will be a tomorrow that I will be proud of... I've been here before.

fear of greatness

I just listened to a great woman speak,
she spoke of her life, her teachings,
she speaks of a strength, peace, and of teaching,
her words resonate deep within me.

I am a woman, like her, with a past and a present,
so are my Mother, daughters, sisters and friends.
We teach, every day, everywhere,
the key is the awareness of these teachings.

As I acknowledge this greatness in myself and others,
I fear the awareness of my impact on my life,
the life of my children, family and friends.
I am doing my best to live in the greatness.

your son, my son, OUR son

we need to do what is best for M.
he has a mom, a dad, aunts and uncles, a step-mom, step-dad, he has grand-parents, step-grand-parents...he has a huge extended family. We all love M. We all want what is best for him. I want what mothers want, you want what fathers want... it is worlds apart.
You have problems with your parents, you want to make me chose, between my time, and if I give your parents some of my time, you will not allow it?!? Tell me how that helps M. Your wife has a problem with them now, it used to be me against your clan, now, once I have made peace with your parents and sister, it is not ok with her? Why in God's name should I consider her, after all the hell you and your clan put me and my children through????
Your parents can be demanding and controlling; but they did what they thought was best for M, I accept and appreciate how much they have done for him, I am grateful. I want to move forward. We have started healing our relationships and I want to continue building trust with them, you and your wife.
I stepped back, and let the process happen while M was in the program. I trust in the outcome. I trust in my choices.
It has taken a long time to get here, and right this second, I can say I am BAFFLED. I need more input from all parties involved, I need help in making plans for my next step in this process.
I do not want to be used in your family's battles, I will not allow our son to suffer because people can't get along.
I let our son go to live with you in 2004, because I was not well enough to care for him, I never expected it would take this long to get him back. I thought his life would be more stable, I thought once I'm better you and the doctors and lawyers would see I was ok, and he'd be my son again. I know I suffer because of his lack of bond with me and so does he. I knew I lost my baby when he'd be at my house, if he'd have a nightmare and call out for "Daddy!" in the middle of the night, or when he called me Grandma if he wanted something. He knows I'm his Mom, but I missed so much of his young life with me and his sister and brother, he just visits with us now, and I no longer know if I can rebuild my family without taking something away from him, and his bond with you and with your parents. And this pain I feel right now, and just the fact that I consider his feelings and development more than my own, that proves to ME, that I love my son, and will get all the information before I act on this situation.
Mondays, that is the big problem in your schedule, who brings R home? Isn't it his mother? Why can't she also pick up M and get him home and to bed at a normal time?

She wants your parents to treat all her kids equal, then maybe she needs to do that first, and show your parents that she is not the problem here.
Can we all stop creating more problems? Can't we all work it out? I do not want to have to fight in court again, I just can't put everyone though this again, I WON'T.

my love

today is a great day!
our eldest daughters start college today...
we have two more kids in high school, and the last in his last year of elementary school.
we have debts, and ex's, and fights, and shitty work lives....
we struggle with time, chores, meals, missed deadlines...
we enjoy the good times, intimate talks, laughs, life lessons, going up north, too few date nights and romantic get-a ways.
Today is a great day, because we are doing all this together.
I love you.

With You my Love

OK so I've been grumpy, tired, confused, angry... and lots of other things in these last few months.
I am currently not happy with me, I feel stuck in a rut... I need change, I need a concrete game plan.
I want to work all this out with you my love. Thank you for being patient when I lose it, thank you for just being there. I want us to create this life of ours, filled with the kids, and pets, and jobs...
I love you, and I am glad to be doing this together. I guess I may still sometimes feel alone in my life, but it isn't anything you do or don't do, it is my old way of thinking, this is something I am working on in therapy.
I just want you to know, my heart knows your heart.

Mother's Day

I am a daughter, I am a Mother.
I don't know where my Mother is,
my kids made me breakfast.

I fear calling my Mother,
I feel guilt, for not being the daughter I want to be,
I feel anger for her not being the Mother I needed.

Woman of Distinction?

I am an ordinary woman, my greatest achievements are my children. I had a rough childhood and I continued the abuse and unhealthy lifestyle into my early adulthood, and I can say I made it, not gloriously, but I am proud. My not so great, but needed moments to become strong enough to go on; the struggles of leaving an unhealthy marriage, being left by a partner and losing custody of my youngest son, both after my last suicide attempt, my greatest regret is putting my children through all these hard times.There were great moments too, like having 3 beautiful, healthy children, recovering from the mental health diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder to finding love again. My pride comes from having lived all those terrible moments, and still want to get up everyday, to continue bettering myself, and seeing my children (and step-children) grow into wonderful people.
I still struggle with chronic depression, and I still have therapy to work on healing my past. I am no better than anyone else, but I am the best me I can be. To my kids, I am their Mom, who nags them and worries too much, but I am certain they know I love them; and to me, that is my greatest accomplishment.
If that makes me a Woman of Distinction, so be it, but there are so many others who fit this title as well, I accept the title on behalf of all women, who's kids know their Mom does all she can to keep them healthy and safe, no matter what it takes. Some work long hours to provide the basics, some stay home to be there... no matter what, we love our kids and want the best for them.

My Mother's House

So life is taking it's toll, 4 AM shift start causing serious sleep deprivation problems, I am moody, and make little sense. My Love threatens to sue the company I work for, "alienation of affection" due to my lack of a sex drive. At work 2 co-workers have committed suicide in the last 8 months, I found out a couple weeks ago of the latest victim, it has left me frazzled, thinking "that is my future with this company". I am taking a month off due to a recurring shoulder problem, a God-sent.
Yesterday after seeing my Doc, I drove to my Mother's house. She sold it last October, it looks strangely like the house when I moved in at 12, compared to how my mother left it. I am guessing they bought the house dirt cheap, they have done many renovations, landscaping, fresh paint and new windows. I stood there a while wondering if the house will be haunted, and what about the pet-cemetery in the yard?
I can see now, only a day later just how anxious I felt everyday. Today, I feel freedom, I have hope that I will find good things to do with my life. I just have to figure out what to be when I grow up.

the Y

I lived there some 20 years ago, at the YWCA.
It was my first healthy and safe place to live, ever.
What I do remember was the safety.
The rules of the residence, those were the first I had lived by.
I was made to feel like to real live human, with rights and responsibilities.
Something my childhood had lacked. I made friends, I had help from the social worker, and self-help programs. I think the one I attended was called Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families.
The "Y" taught me boundaries, how to live on my own, how to move on, and how to ask for help when I need it. I also made a lifelong friend, she nominated me, I need to make the decision to participate, that is why I write here. I am a private person out in the real world, I do not like to be in the spotlight.  The reason for the event is a fundraiser/award, funding the YWCA Foundation, and it awards "Women of Merit", and funds different programs at the "Y".

The reason she nominated me, was because I was a resident some 20 years ago, and I often stop in to say "HI!".
My answer to that was, I come to see you!
She answered, I work for the "Y".

 I do see the Y as my first home and she was a very important woman in my life, she listened to my past, it was an abusive one. She was the first person to believe me, she helped raise me up to guide me into the woman I am today. I even had my wedding reception in the basement of the "Y". Yes, the "Y" was very important to me, and I know I am not the only woman who has benefited from the services the "Y" has offered in the last 20 years. Women know how to help women. That was one of the lessons I left with, as I raise my family now. Because of the services, friendships and caring staff, I was able to break the cycle of violence that plagued many generations before me, and I was able to get help and overcome Mental Health issues that also were predominant in previous generation. Today I have hope for my family, my children and future grand-children. I am proud of my accomplishments, I am also thankful and proud of having been a resident at the YWCA.

my heart breaks

children, they are a blessing.

my heart breaks for the love I feel, times five
my heart breaks over the worry of their everyday choices and  actions
my heart breaks for their other parents, I am only one mom
my heart breaks for all my shortcomings and my not so proud moments.

I pray that I am preparing each for adulthood
knowing, I can never get the days past back
knowing one day there will be judgement day
knowing all I know and feeling all I feel.