you left yesterday, I want to pretend it didn't happen.
but my heart aches.
i am angry about how I feel about it,
selfishly I blame me.
I know this is a life experience you must have,
I was never going to provide everything you need,
life is showing me that,
I just am not ready to accept it.
the denial is what hurts, all the what if's that play in this chemically imbalanced brain of mine.
I feel I can't share this with the ones I love, fear of hurting others while I am so broken.
what if we hadn't moved into this house, what if we had taken another year of living appart,
no sharing rooms, no blending this family, I now feel is breaking apart instead of growing together.
not only do I ache for my daughter, I ache for my sons.
I ache for my man, who can't make this better. for his daughters, who I have learned to love,
yet I harbor bad feelings, because they are here, and she is not.
I have felt the disconnect from my daughter for a long time, I know her growing up was going to cause some distance,
I am just unsure how to reconnect, now after she is not living here.
I relive the time my son went to live at his dad's,
the feeling of being unable to care for him on a daily basis, now he is 11, and I know that disconnection can never be completely erased.
I feel like I have failed as a mom, as a step-mom, and a girlfriend.
I know I haven't, but the feeling is overwhelming, in this darkness, I feel useless and even mean.
my hurt comes out in anger, but I am angry at life, not at the people in it.
depression is making it harder, and I know it will leave, at some point, but I wonder how much longer will it be so dark?
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