my mommy heart

you left yesterday, I want to pretend it didn't happen.
but my heart aches.
i am angry about how I feel about it,
selfishly I blame me.
I know this is a life experience you must have,
I was never going to provide everything you need,
life is showing me that,
I just am not ready to accept it.
the denial is what hurts, all the what if's that play in this chemically imbalanced brain of mine.
I feel I can't share this with the ones I love, fear of hurting others while I am so broken.
what if we hadn't moved into this house, what if we had taken another year of living appart,
no sharing rooms, no blending this family, I now feel is breaking apart instead of growing together.
not only do I ache for my daughter, I ache for my sons.
I ache for my man, who can't make this better. for his daughters, who I have learned to love,
yet I harbor bad feelings, because they are here, and she is not.
I have felt the disconnect from my daughter for a long time, I know her growing up was going to cause some distance,
I am just unsure how to reconnect, now after she is not living here.
I relive the time my son went to live at his dad's,
the feeling of being unable to care for him on a daily basis, now he is 11, and I know that disconnection can never be completely erased.
I feel like I have failed as a mom, as a step-mom, and a girlfriend.
I know I haven't, but the feeling is overwhelming, in this darkness, I feel useless and even mean.
my hurt comes out in anger, but I am angry at life, not at the people in it.
depression is making it harder, and I know it will leave, at some point, but I wonder how much longer will it be so dark?

darkness

this dark cloud, it just won't let the light in.
all attempts are useless, communication is useless and misunderstandings are ugly.
I feel like I have failed at all I am working on.
work and family life are struggles, all I want to do is sleep.
have I been doing too much, not enough?
my body aches and my soul is tired.
this is depression, this is not what I want, I pray for some other fatal diagnosis.
then at least, no one can say I didn't do enough, or do the right thing.
then again, I am a smoker, so that is my choice...
all I feel and see are lose/lose situations.
I know I've been here before, I know the light does come back, and I won't feel this much longer.
there will be a tomorrow that I will be proud of... I've been here before.

fear of greatness

I just listened to a great woman speak,
she spoke of her life, her teachings,
she speaks of a strength, peace, and of teaching,
her words resonate deep within me.

I am a woman, like her, with a past and a present,
so are my Mother, daughters, sisters and friends.
We teach, every day, everywhere,
the key is the awareness of these teachings.

As I acknowledge this greatness in myself and others,
I fear the awareness of my impact on my life,
the life of my children, family and friends.
I am doing my best to live in the greatness.