people knew and did nothing
my mother called me names, ugly names, words I didn't know the meaning to
I understood later in life, when my husband called me the same names, in french no less
I hate french, it was the language of most my abuse, English, that was my recovery language
I have to stop saving the world, but the cries for help only make my own recovery longer
deeper, more raw
people knew and did nothing
I cry saying those words, I rage against this feeling I just can't get over right now
through my tears I hope this episode lasts shorter than the last, and longer than the next
I haven't been in this raw place since 2006
I have a right to be angry, I have a right to speak, and be taken seriously, I have all those rights no one accorded me, before today
I was called a problem child, a run away, a liar, overly sensitive, crybaby, ugly, worthless, mistake, know I know that is how she saw me, how she treated me, how I let other treat me, and how I thought everyone was going to treat me forever.
that changed in my early therapy, I know it can change even more with the new therapy I will start.
I spoke to his wife an hour ago, then to him less than 30 minutes ago.
He sounded much better that the last time I spoke to him.
There are things happening all around me, a teenage girl going through a break up with an abusive boyfriend, I feel helpless, and scared like if I was living it. Not sure what the psychological term is right now.
Right now I feel like I am the one who knows, and I am choosing not to do anything, I know this young woman has a good support system in place to help her, and I know she is OK, and will be. Yet I feel so helpless, again another term I do not know.
OK enough writing now, real life awaits on the other side of my bedroom door, and I have to cross that threshold
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
update on last post
life gets busy, things happen... I saw my doctor today, looks like I may use this blog to journal a bit.
Recounting the last few weeks was tough, I am physically exhausted : cause unknown, will get the routine blood and urine work done.
Psychologically has been up and down. From vivid dreams, to flash-backs, panic attacks to feeling overwhelmed ...over load of emotions, even wishing things went back to before my sister shared this knowledge. I have not faced him yet, my doctor strongly suggest I consult with a psycho-therapist to plan everything. I agree, just my own thoughts and memories are overwhelming, I can't imagine how I will react to whatever he says or does. So the meeting will have to wait, finding a therapist isn't as easy as snapping my fingers...She also suggest I may end up pressing charges, that scares the crap out of me...not sure why.
Recounting the last few weeks was tough, I am physically exhausted : cause unknown, will get the routine blood and urine work done.
Psychologically has been up and down. From vivid dreams, to flash-backs, panic attacks to feeling overwhelmed ...over load of emotions, even wishing things went back to before my sister shared this knowledge. I have not faced him yet, my doctor strongly suggest I consult with a psycho-therapist to plan everything. I agree, just my own thoughts and memories are overwhelming, I can't imagine how I will react to whatever he says or does. So the meeting will have to wait, finding a therapist isn't as easy as snapping my fingers...She also suggest I may end up pressing charges, that scares the crap out of me...not sure why.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Facing one of my abusers
my childhood abuse changed who I was, it made me into who I am;
it took my innocence away, it made me unable to tell what was or was not acceptable.
I made many mistakes, many bad decisions, I had to learn as an adult, and I have.
I am no longer a victim, now I am even more that just a survivor:
I AM HEALTHY
Yes I survived, but that survival mode nearly killed me, it nearly took me away from this full, tough,crazy, life of mine. A life I built, once I exited survival mode, and entered my true life.
I do still struggle at times, like in the last few days, information was given to me, from a sister, who identified an abuser, he molested me at a very young age...I am going to speak to him and his wife for answers. I am not doing this in anger, it is more like investigating my past. I have many fractured memories, and all I hope to get are some more puzzle pieces to fill in gaps, put faces to faceless abusers, create a more defined time line.... I have so needed these...
I had so many "blackouts", yet some memories so very vivid and accurate.
I spoke to him on the phone, he sounds very confused, I heard that he is not doing well mentally, so my hopes are not too high about what he can recount to me. I hope his wife can be forthcoming...This abuse/incident, was supposedly reported to my mother, he is her brother. I have only faceless memories of a sexual nature, that are inappropriate, I was abused later in childhood too, by others...
I am not angry with him, it makes me sad that his two kids grew up without a father, that his first wife may have left him because of what he did to me, I know he once express great regret, and guilt, over the incedent: that in itself comforts me, even if I won't hear it when we meet. I am VERY angry at my mother, for not doing anything, did my father even know? what about other family? why did no one help me!!? My mother is a very unwell person, mental illness runs in the family, she had another brother who, supposedly (again) ended up commiting suicide, the night he planned on killing his ex-fiance and her parents, my maternal grandmother supposedly left her husband and 4 kids to run off with a taxi driver, she ended up in a mental hospital where they treated her to a labotomy, I think I saw her after that, but I am unsure, she died over 25 years ago... I need to research if and how I can my hands on her medical records....
All that to say, this is how I process things now, I need to know, I need to find the truths: having lived a lifetime of lies, and secrets.
During the early years of recovery, I was overly open with everyone, I had no blinds in my windows, like I desperately NEEDED to let in the light, let it be known, now I fully understand.
it took my innocence away, it made me unable to tell what was or was not acceptable.
I made many mistakes, many bad decisions, I had to learn as an adult, and I have.
I am no longer a victim, now I am even more that just a survivor:
I AM HEALTHY
Yes I survived, but that survival mode nearly killed me, it nearly took me away from this full, tough,crazy, life of mine. A life I built, once I exited survival mode, and entered my true life.
I do still struggle at times, like in the last few days, information was given to me, from a sister, who identified an abuser, he molested me at a very young age...I am going to speak to him and his wife for answers. I am not doing this in anger, it is more like investigating my past. I have many fractured memories, and all I hope to get are some more puzzle pieces to fill in gaps, put faces to faceless abusers, create a more defined time line.... I have so needed these...
I had so many "blackouts", yet some memories so very vivid and accurate.
I spoke to him on the phone, he sounds very confused, I heard that he is not doing well mentally, so my hopes are not too high about what he can recount to me. I hope his wife can be forthcoming...This abuse/incident, was supposedly reported to my mother, he is her brother. I have only faceless memories of a sexual nature, that are inappropriate, I was abused later in childhood too, by others...
I am not angry with him, it makes me sad that his two kids grew up without a father, that his first wife may have left him because of what he did to me, I know he once express great regret, and guilt, over the incedent: that in itself comforts me, even if I won't hear it when we meet. I am VERY angry at my mother, for not doing anything, did my father even know? what about other family? why did no one help me!!? My mother is a very unwell person, mental illness runs in the family, she had another brother who, supposedly (again) ended up commiting suicide, the night he planned on killing his ex-fiance and her parents, my maternal grandmother supposedly left her husband and 4 kids to run off with a taxi driver, she ended up in a mental hospital where they treated her to a labotomy, I think I saw her after that, but I am unsure, she died over 25 years ago... I need to research if and how I can my hands on her medical records....
All that to say, this is how I process things now, I need to know, I need to find the truths: having lived a lifetime of lies, and secrets.
During the early years of recovery, I was overly open with everyone, I had no blinds in my windows, like I desperately NEEDED to let in the light, let it be known, now I fully understand.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
the five centers of my universe
I have five centers in my universe. MKENM.
should I ever let any one of them down, I will have failed at my purpose in life
I feel very strongly about this, I am aching over this, I cry over this, I am staying up late over this.
I also have a twin planet, a whole other world, we are melding, as we orbit around MKENM
right now, we are in the middle of a cosmic storm.
I am female, and with all that entails I feel deeply about what needs to be done,
my twin planet is male, our views and reactions are like Venus and Mars
here on Earth we need to sleep on stuff, worlds apart, on the same orbit
I often wish I didn't feel so deeply
I wish I feel I didn't only have harsh words to say, I seek a peaceful place to speak from.... may my sleep bring that.
should I ever let any one of them down, I will have failed at my purpose in life
I feel very strongly about this, I am aching over this, I cry over this, I am staying up late over this.
I also have a twin planet, a whole other world, we are melding, as we orbit around MKENM
right now, we are in the middle of a cosmic storm.
I am female, and with all that entails I feel deeply about what needs to be done,
my twin planet is male, our views and reactions are like Venus and Mars
here on Earth we need to sleep on stuff, worlds apart, on the same orbit
I often wish I didn't feel so deeply
I wish I feel I didn't only have harsh words to say, I seek a peaceful place to speak from.... may my sleep bring that.
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