You hear voices of yours,
I hear ones from mine.
You feel fears of your past,
I am not your ghosts.
We speak in different languages,
I hear this, you hear that,
We fight in different languages,
the words do sting in both.
I wish to be silent,
I wish to be alone,
I wish for sleep,
I wish for happiness.
You fear my wishes,
I resent our present,
For all the words misspoken,
In both interpretations.
I know my where my voices come from,
I know you are not him,
I know the girls are not me,
Do you know I am not her?
This will be clear,
Once we get that translator,
Once I sleep as much as I need,
And order is restored.
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Thursday, 1 November 2012
I missed the changing of the leaves, again.
For anyone who has lived with chronic depression, you may understand this post, to those who live with or love someone who does, this may help.
I have lived with depression for most of my life.
The first time I can remember being different as a child was at 7. I had changed school after my mom and step father separated, they put me in a free-flow class. It was meant for children with learning difficulties. I was always a problem child, as they called us back then. I ran away for the first time that year, I lost the only friend I had, my dad had remarried and started a new family, I had my first communion and I learned that angels went to heaven, that is when I started dreaming of dying, both to see my friend again and to meet God, who would love me, no matter what.
In that apartment, there was me, my mom, my kid sister, we'd only live there one year. The next apartment was in the same district I had been at school at, so I went back to my old school, that helped me,we lived there 4 years before my mother bought a house, that is where we got our first dog, Benji. By the time I left that house, we had 3 dogs, about 8 cats, a dozen birds, fish, turtles, we had bottle fed squirrels and skunks and set the ones that lived free. Other than love for my sister, and even some of the damn pets; there were no happy memories in that house. I had tried to end my life at least twice by the age of 17, I would try several more times, then at 31, I quit trying to die, I started to learn to LIVE. I am 39 now, and have suffered 3 major bouts of depression since 2004, many depressive episodes lasting under 2 months, I've taken anti-depressants, other kinds like anti-psychotic, mood stabilizers. I found a sun lamp, therapy and getting enough sleep are the way to stay depression free.
My last major depression was in 2007, it was early winter, and one morning, I just took the dog or a walk, and realized all the trees were bare, I missed the changing color of the leaves, and even the mountains of fallen leaves, all due to this depression. This week, I noticed the tree in our back yard is bare, I missed it again. I am glad I noticed now, but sad because it reminds me that even when doing my best, depression can still sneak up on me.
It makes me unable to see the world, the people around me. I am replaced by this zombie person I hate, this woman, who loses the ability to show love and laughter. I regret the things I say, I hurt the ones I love the most. Then the overcompensating (guilt of bad behavior) drags me even lower into physical exhaustion.
At least I see this now, before it gets worse. I have to forgive my short comings, and move on, being the best me, as I recover from this set back.
I have lived with depression for most of my life.
The first time I can remember being different as a child was at 7. I had changed school after my mom and step father separated, they put me in a free-flow class. It was meant for children with learning difficulties. I was always a problem child, as they called us back then. I ran away for the first time that year, I lost the only friend I had, my dad had remarried and started a new family, I had my first communion and I learned that angels went to heaven, that is when I started dreaming of dying, both to see my friend again and to meet God, who would love me, no matter what.
In that apartment, there was me, my mom, my kid sister, we'd only live there one year. The next apartment was in the same district I had been at school at, so I went back to my old school, that helped me,we lived there 4 years before my mother bought a house, that is where we got our first dog, Benji. By the time I left that house, we had 3 dogs, about 8 cats, a dozen birds, fish, turtles, we had bottle fed squirrels and skunks and set the ones that lived free. Other than love for my sister, and even some of the damn pets; there were no happy memories in that house. I had tried to end my life at least twice by the age of 17, I would try several more times, then at 31, I quit trying to die, I started to learn to LIVE. I am 39 now, and have suffered 3 major bouts of depression since 2004, many depressive episodes lasting under 2 months, I've taken anti-depressants, other kinds like anti-psychotic, mood stabilizers. I found a sun lamp, therapy and getting enough sleep are the way to stay depression free.
My last major depression was in 2007, it was early winter, and one morning, I just took the dog or a walk, and realized all the trees were bare, I missed the changing color of the leaves, and even the mountains of fallen leaves, all due to this depression. This week, I noticed the tree in our back yard is bare, I missed it again. I am glad I noticed now, but sad because it reminds me that even when doing my best, depression can still sneak up on me.
It makes me unable to see the world, the people around me. I am replaced by this zombie person I hate, this woman, who loses the ability to show love and laughter. I regret the things I say, I hurt the ones I love the most. Then the overcompensating (guilt of bad behavior) drags me even lower into physical exhaustion.
At least I see this now, before it gets worse. I have to forgive my short comings, and move on, being the best me, as I recover from this set back.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Mothers
most women love their kids before they are even created.
they learn about their children before they are born, they read books, they listen to doctors, midwives, nurses, and other mothers. what should I eat to nourish this child? what vitamins, medicines, foods, drinks....
there are heart beats to be heard, kicks to be felt, and dreams of a future human being, oh how those dreams are powerful.
some women have children, without understanding why the need is go great, others don't even think about it...
some women have children because their religion or culture dictates, this is your purpose.
some women assume the role of mother, beautifully, others not that well.
some girls, too young to be of legal age, become mothers.
some are violated, raped and forced to bear children.
others make the choice not to bring their children into this world.
there are biological, emotional needs to reproduce.
giving birth to a child, and raising a child are separate aspects to being a mother.
some women never bear children, but they are mothers to the core of their being.
some women bear children, and never find their way to be mothers.
I am a woman, I bore 3 children, I am raising 5 children now.
I have struggled, I have cried, I have fought for my kids. I have fought with my kids. I have fought for others children.
I have been there, I have been absent, I have been hugged, I have been shut out and let back in, I have screamed and I have laughed.
As a mother, I have kissed bobos better, punished, been proud, been scared, confused, I've made mistakes, I've learned, and continue to learn.
I have seen new born infants grow, learn to talk, write, walk, run, I've stayed up, waiting for my child to come home, looked for a run away, gone to the principal's office, written notes, seen graduations, dances, kept drawings and cards my children's treasures, heard all about first kisses, been in the car, the first time she took the wheel with me. I know most of my kids' history, I know their strengths, their weaknesses, I am learning their dreams and see them planning their lives. As a family we have lived tragedies, heart felt moments not soon forgotten, great times and sad ones. We've had birthdays, deaths, births, divorce, new love. I am a proud Mother. We are a family.
they learn about their children before they are born, they read books, they listen to doctors, midwives, nurses, and other mothers. what should I eat to nourish this child? what vitamins, medicines, foods, drinks....
there are heart beats to be heard, kicks to be felt, and dreams of a future human being, oh how those dreams are powerful.
some women have children, without understanding why the need is go great, others don't even think about it...
some women have children because their religion or culture dictates, this is your purpose.
some women assume the role of mother, beautifully, others not that well.
some girls, too young to be of legal age, become mothers.
some are violated, raped and forced to bear children.
others make the choice not to bring their children into this world.
there are biological, emotional needs to reproduce.
giving birth to a child, and raising a child are separate aspects to being a mother.
some women never bear children, but they are mothers to the core of their being.
some women bear children, and never find their way to be mothers.
I am a woman, I bore 3 children, I am raising 5 children now.
I have struggled, I have cried, I have fought for my kids. I have fought with my kids. I have fought for others children.
I have been there, I have been absent, I have been hugged, I have been shut out and let back in, I have screamed and I have laughed.
As a mother, I have kissed bobos better, punished, been proud, been scared, confused, I've made mistakes, I've learned, and continue to learn.
I have seen new born infants grow, learn to talk, write, walk, run, I've stayed up, waiting for my child to come home, looked for a run away, gone to the principal's office, written notes, seen graduations, dances, kept drawings and cards my children's treasures, heard all about first kisses, been in the car, the first time she took the wheel with me. I know most of my kids' history, I know their strengths, their weaknesses, I am learning their dreams and see them planning their lives. As a family we have lived tragedies, heart felt moments not soon forgotten, great times and sad ones. We've had birthdays, deaths, births, divorce, new love. I am a proud Mother. We are a family.
Monday, 20 August 2012
grounded
my feet in the mud, watching the water spiders' dance.
from breathing this air, the morning fog lifts,
my eyes to the sky, to watching the night sky.
walking up the path, to where I want to be.
saying hello to the ghosts of years past,
creating this new life; kids, cats, dogs, you and me.
from breathing this air, the morning fog lifts,
my eyes to the sky, to watching the night sky.
walking up the path, to where I want to be.
saying hello to the ghosts of years past,
creating this new life; kids, cats, dogs, you and me.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
transference
I am growing to HATE my awareness. I'm not even sure that is it's proper name. I am a grown child of abuse, specifically my mother's abuse, she was abusive in every way a parent can abuse their child. I do not hate her, I worked hard to work out how I feel, at this point in my life, I feel pity for her, and all her lost/failed relationships, and how she lives her everyday life today. For those who don't know, she is an animal hoarder, her most obvious disorder at this point. She has always been paranoid, scheming kind of gal, who does become violent when she doesn't get her way.
I have Daddy issues, he didn't save me from her... he didn't even believe me or do anything when I was acting out or running away, he just went on with his life, remarried and had 3 other kids, my first brother has my name, for a boy, I am Stephanie, he is Stephane. Basically, in my then, 5 year old child brain and heart, not only did he not love me anymore, he replaced me... with a SON. My Daddy issues are DEEP, and I dealt less with those than my Mommy issues. I am guessing more therapy is needed, lol. Yes I can laugh at myself, all too often, I take myself too seriously. I don't hate him, but he is the "normal" one, although to be honest, he has his own issues, addicted to gambling...I know in my mind, he just did his best, in my heart I just wish he had at least tried to do more, maybe I wouldn't be so deeply affected by other children's suffering...but is that really what I want? To be unaware, and uncaring....I already know that is a definite NO.
I still feel hurts way deep, maybe my old soul weeps as hard as my current body does.
Back to why I hate my "awareness" now. I have 2 amazing step-daughters, they have an abusive, addicted Mother. Her actions/words towards her daughters, wake the fiercest protecting genes in my body, it is causing my to be unable to separate my past from their present. Not sure what that word is...(transference?) Anyways, back to trying to explain this. I don't want to fight with my Love, he is an amazing Father, he has always been open to hearing my observations, feelings and advice on his girls, but right now I feel his ex's parental rights end where their daughters' mental health begin. We do not agree on how to deal with this situation... it is upsetting. We will work this out, we even have an appointment next week to speak to a therapist. I just wish I could not feel so deeply.
Love, I love you ... I hope my fears and past don't affect how you think I feel about us, our life, our Love. I just want you to trust me, and forgive my tone of voice, and frustrations of the last couple weeks.
I have Daddy issues, he didn't save me from her... he didn't even believe me or do anything when I was acting out or running away, he just went on with his life, remarried and had 3 other kids, my first brother has my name, for a boy, I am Stephanie, he is Stephane. Basically, in my then, 5 year old child brain and heart, not only did he not love me anymore, he replaced me... with a SON. My Daddy issues are DEEP, and I dealt less with those than my Mommy issues. I am guessing more therapy is needed, lol. Yes I can laugh at myself, all too often, I take myself too seriously. I don't hate him, but he is the "normal" one, although to be honest, he has his own issues, addicted to gambling...I know in my mind, he just did his best, in my heart I just wish he had at least tried to do more, maybe I wouldn't be so deeply affected by other children's suffering...but is that really what I want? To be unaware, and uncaring....I already know that is a definite NO.
I still feel hurts way deep, maybe my old soul weeps as hard as my current body does.
Back to why I hate my "awareness" now. I have 2 amazing step-daughters, they have an abusive, addicted Mother. Her actions/words towards her daughters, wake the fiercest protecting genes in my body, it is causing my to be unable to separate my past from their present. Not sure what that word is...(transference?) Anyways, back to trying to explain this. I don't want to fight with my Love, he is an amazing Father, he has always been open to hearing my observations, feelings and advice on his girls, but right now I feel his ex's parental rights end where their daughters' mental health begin. We do not agree on how to deal with this situation... it is upsetting. We will work this out, we even have an appointment next week to speak to a therapist. I just wish I could not feel so deeply.
Love, I love you ... I hope my fears and past don't affect how you think I feel about us, our life, our Love. I just want you to trust me, and forgive my tone of voice, and frustrations of the last couple weeks.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
LOVE
He always treats me like a queen, even if I act like a brat sometimes.
"Love" had always cost me something, I always felt I needed to be what "he" needed me to be... I'd lose myself in relationships.
When we met I knew who I was, and he actually accepted me, as is, perfectly flawed. I love him for loving me, I hope he knows just how much.
Love is free, Love is freedom. I'm glad to know that now, to live it, to show our daughters and sons, how real love is.
"Love is patient, Love is kind,... Love never fails." ~ (1 Corinthians 13:4)
"Love" had always cost me something, I always felt I needed to be what "he" needed me to be... I'd lose myself in relationships.
When we met I knew who I was, and he actually accepted me, as is, perfectly flawed. I love him for loving me, I hope he knows just how much.
Love is free, Love is freedom. I'm glad to know that now, to live it, to show our daughters and sons, how real love is.
"Love is patient, Love is kind,... Love never fails." ~ (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Monday, 19 March 2012
perfect
this sucks now, there is great stress, anxiety, too many unknowns...
why am I like this with you, why do I want and need you so much, why am I OK with all this?
because, somehow I know, it will all be OK, I know it, even when I panic, we are perfect.
a perfect blend, we met at the right time, we are moving in together at the perfect time, you kiss me when I need it the most, we argue and disagree, and are finding compromises....
everything is falling into place.... everything is happening, all is perfectly flawed...
our souls have been together before, and maybe since the beginning of all and we just fit... in every way.
I love you!
why am I like this with you, why do I want and need you so much, why am I OK with all this?
because, somehow I know, it will all be OK, I know it, even when I panic, we are perfect.
a perfect blend, we met at the right time, we are moving in together at the perfect time, you kiss me when I need it the most, we argue and disagree, and are finding compromises....
everything is falling into place.... everything is happening, all is perfectly flawed...
our souls have been together before, and maybe since the beginning of all and we just fit... in every way.
I love you!
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
anger
people knew and did nothing
my mother called me names, ugly names, words I didn't know the meaning to
I understood later in life, when my husband called me the same names, in french no less
I hate french, it was the language of most my abuse, English, that was my recovery language
I have to stop saving the world, but the cries for help only make my own recovery longer
deeper, more raw
people knew and did nothing
I cry saying those words, I rage against this feeling I just can't get over right now
through my tears I hope this episode lasts shorter than the last, and longer than the next
I haven't been in this raw place since 2006
I have a right to be angry, I have a right to speak, and be taken seriously, I have all those rights no one accorded me, before today
I was called a problem child, a run away, a liar, overly sensitive, crybaby, ugly, worthless, mistake, know I know that is how she saw me, how she treated me, how I let other treat me, and how I thought everyone was going to treat me forever.
that changed in my early therapy, I know it can change even more with the new therapy I will start.
I spoke to his wife an hour ago, then to him less than 30 minutes ago.
He sounded much better that the last time I spoke to him.
There are things happening all around me, a teenage girl going through a break up with an abusive boyfriend, I feel helpless, and scared like if I was living it. Not sure what the psychological term is right now.
Right now I feel like I am the one who knows, and I am choosing not to do anything, I know this young woman has a good support system in place to help her, and I know she is OK, and will be. Yet I feel so helpless, again another term I do not know.
OK enough writing now, real life awaits on the other side of my bedroom door, and I have to cross that threshold
my mother called me names, ugly names, words I didn't know the meaning to
I understood later in life, when my husband called me the same names, in french no less
I hate french, it was the language of most my abuse, English, that was my recovery language
I have to stop saving the world, but the cries for help only make my own recovery longer
deeper, more raw
people knew and did nothing
I cry saying those words, I rage against this feeling I just can't get over right now
through my tears I hope this episode lasts shorter than the last, and longer than the next
I haven't been in this raw place since 2006
I have a right to be angry, I have a right to speak, and be taken seriously, I have all those rights no one accorded me, before today
I was called a problem child, a run away, a liar, overly sensitive, crybaby, ugly, worthless, mistake, know I know that is how she saw me, how she treated me, how I let other treat me, and how I thought everyone was going to treat me forever.
that changed in my early therapy, I know it can change even more with the new therapy I will start.
I spoke to his wife an hour ago, then to him less than 30 minutes ago.
He sounded much better that the last time I spoke to him.
There are things happening all around me, a teenage girl going through a break up with an abusive boyfriend, I feel helpless, and scared like if I was living it. Not sure what the psychological term is right now.
Right now I feel like I am the one who knows, and I am choosing not to do anything, I know this young woman has a good support system in place to help her, and I know she is OK, and will be. Yet I feel so helpless, again another term I do not know.
OK enough writing now, real life awaits on the other side of my bedroom door, and I have to cross that threshold
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
update on last post
life gets busy, things happen... I saw my doctor today, looks like I may use this blog to journal a bit.
Recounting the last few weeks was tough, I am physically exhausted : cause unknown, will get the routine blood and urine work done.
Psychologically has been up and down. From vivid dreams, to flash-backs, panic attacks to feeling overwhelmed ...over load of emotions, even wishing things went back to before my sister shared this knowledge. I have not faced him yet, my doctor strongly suggest I consult with a psycho-therapist to plan everything. I agree, just my own thoughts and memories are overwhelming, I can't imagine how I will react to whatever he says or does. So the meeting will have to wait, finding a therapist isn't as easy as snapping my fingers...She also suggest I may end up pressing charges, that scares the crap out of me...not sure why.
Recounting the last few weeks was tough, I am physically exhausted : cause unknown, will get the routine blood and urine work done.
Psychologically has been up and down. From vivid dreams, to flash-backs, panic attacks to feeling overwhelmed ...over load of emotions, even wishing things went back to before my sister shared this knowledge. I have not faced him yet, my doctor strongly suggest I consult with a psycho-therapist to plan everything. I agree, just my own thoughts and memories are overwhelming, I can't imagine how I will react to whatever he says or does. So the meeting will have to wait, finding a therapist isn't as easy as snapping my fingers...She also suggest I may end up pressing charges, that scares the crap out of me...not sure why.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Facing one of my abusers
my childhood abuse changed who I was, it made me into who I am;
it took my innocence away, it made me unable to tell what was or was not acceptable.
I made many mistakes, many bad decisions, I had to learn as an adult, and I have.
I am no longer a victim, now I am even more that just a survivor:
I AM HEALTHY
Yes I survived, but that survival mode nearly killed me, it nearly took me away from this full, tough,crazy, life of mine. A life I built, once I exited survival mode, and entered my true life.
I do still struggle at times, like in the last few days, information was given to me, from a sister, who identified an abuser, he molested me at a very young age...I am going to speak to him and his wife for answers. I am not doing this in anger, it is more like investigating my past. I have many fractured memories, and all I hope to get are some more puzzle pieces to fill in gaps, put faces to faceless abusers, create a more defined time line.... I have so needed these...
I had so many "blackouts", yet some memories so very vivid and accurate.
I spoke to him on the phone, he sounds very confused, I heard that he is not doing well mentally, so my hopes are not too high about what he can recount to me. I hope his wife can be forthcoming...This abuse/incident, was supposedly reported to my mother, he is her brother. I have only faceless memories of a sexual nature, that are inappropriate, I was abused later in childhood too, by others...
I am not angry with him, it makes me sad that his two kids grew up without a father, that his first wife may have left him because of what he did to me, I know he once express great regret, and guilt, over the incedent: that in itself comforts me, even if I won't hear it when we meet. I am VERY angry at my mother, for not doing anything, did my father even know? what about other family? why did no one help me!!? My mother is a very unwell person, mental illness runs in the family, she had another brother who, supposedly (again) ended up commiting suicide, the night he planned on killing his ex-fiance and her parents, my maternal grandmother supposedly left her husband and 4 kids to run off with a taxi driver, she ended up in a mental hospital where they treated her to a labotomy, I think I saw her after that, but I am unsure, she died over 25 years ago... I need to research if and how I can my hands on her medical records....
All that to say, this is how I process things now, I need to know, I need to find the truths: having lived a lifetime of lies, and secrets.
During the early years of recovery, I was overly open with everyone, I had no blinds in my windows, like I desperately NEEDED to let in the light, let it be known, now I fully understand.
it took my innocence away, it made me unable to tell what was or was not acceptable.
I made many mistakes, many bad decisions, I had to learn as an adult, and I have.
I am no longer a victim, now I am even more that just a survivor:
I AM HEALTHY
Yes I survived, but that survival mode nearly killed me, it nearly took me away from this full, tough,crazy, life of mine. A life I built, once I exited survival mode, and entered my true life.
I do still struggle at times, like in the last few days, information was given to me, from a sister, who identified an abuser, he molested me at a very young age...I am going to speak to him and his wife for answers. I am not doing this in anger, it is more like investigating my past. I have many fractured memories, and all I hope to get are some more puzzle pieces to fill in gaps, put faces to faceless abusers, create a more defined time line.... I have so needed these...
I had so many "blackouts", yet some memories so very vivid and accurate.
I spoke to him on the phone, he sounds very confused, I heard that he is not doing well mentally, so my hopes are not too high about what he can recount to me. I hope his wife can be forthcoming...This abuse/incident, was supposedly reported to my mother, he is her brother. I have only faceless memories of a sexual nature, that are inappropriate, I was abused later in childhood too, by others...
I am not angry with him, it makes me sad that his two kids grew up without a father, that his first wife may have left him because of what he did to me, I know he once express great regret, and guilt, over the incedent: that in itself comforts me, even if I won't hear it when we meet. I am VERY angry at my mother, for not doing anything, did my father even know? what about other family? why did no one help me!!? My mother is a very unwell person, mental illness runs in the family, she had another brother who, supposedly (again) ended up commiting suicide, the night he planned on killing his ex-fiance and her parents, my maternal grandmother supposedly left her husband and 4 kids to run off with a taxi driver, she ended up in a mental hospital where they treated her to a labotomy, I think I saw her after that, but I am unsure, she died over 25 years ago... I need to research if and how I can my hands on her medical records....
All that to say, this is how I process things now, I need to know, I need to find the truths: having lived a lifetime of lies, and secrets.
During the early years of recovery, I was overly open with everyone, I had no blinds in my windows, like I desperately NEEDED to let in the light, let it be known, now I fully understand.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
the five centers of my universe
I have five centers in my universe. MKENM.
should I ever let any one of them down, I will have failed at my purpose in life
I feel very strongly about this, I am aching over this, I cry over this, I am staying up late over this.
I also have a twin planet, a whole other world, we are melding, as we orbit around MKENM
right now, we are in the middle of a cosmic storm.
I am female, and with all that entails I feel deeply about what needs to be done,
my twin planet is male, our views and reactions are like Venus and Mars
here on Earth we need to sleep on stuff, worlds apart, on the same orbit
I often wish I didn't feel so deeply
I wish I feel I didn't only have harsh words to say, I seek a peaceful place to speak from.... may my sleep bring that.
should I ever let any one of them down, I will have failed at my purpose in life
I feel very strongly about this, I am aching over this, I cry over this, I am staying up late over this.
I also have a twin planet, a whole other world, we are melding, as we orbit around MKENM
right now, we are in the middle of a cosmic storm.
I am female, and with all that entails I feel deeply about what needs to be done,
my twin planet is male, our views and reactions are like Venus and Mars
here on Earth we need to sleep on stuff, worlds apart, on the same orbit
I often wish I didn't feel so deeply
I wish I feel I didn't only have harsh words to say, I seek a peaceful place to speak from.... may my sleep bring that.
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