mourning their past

I reread some of your old blogs,
with new eyes, the words have new meaning,
I mourn your loss, at the same time as I dream our future.

I want to hate her, and I want to know her, understand her....
Part of me is scared, because it is like looking at me in the mirror so many years ago,
when I was that lost, scared, angry and alone.

There is a part of me I am questioning,
Why are my feelings so intense? Why do I NEED to do this?
not knowing what it is I am doing.

Am I wrong to treat others as I want to be treated?
Why does it surprise me that others don't understand my reasons for doing that?
Why is this need so powerful? Is part of me is healing, or will it hurt me in the end...

all I know is that I have never felt so strongly about what I AM doing.
I guess that is the reason I am doing it.

I forget to cry sometimes...

it took watching a show, with a touching end...and the river of tears has come. There is not one cause for this, but an accumulation of pent up,"I mustn't let the kids' see, I have no clue what is right, why is this so hard now, what do I need to do next, I need sleep!"
Yesterday, in a social worker's office as I had to explain my family tree, being the eldest of 5, the only child of my parents' union...how my maternal grandmother might have had a lobotomy, my maternal uncle killed himself, my hoarder mother, me... who's been in psych wards for various "crazy" behaviors, to my kids, who in their own way struggle. We've come a long way... I hope all my hard work pays off, and they can now skip the psych ward step of recovery. May they have better lives, may I continue being a better me, I pray for healing to continue. This year is HUGE for me and my kids... from being unemployed, single, struggling to see my youngest son, to being employed, in a healthy relationship, to having my son every week, and for me getting off meds I was on for 10+ years. It is ok for me to shed these tears, it is ok to feel exhausted, I am OK.