I need to be accepted for who I am.
I have learned to accept who my loved ones are.
I love my kids for their strengths and weaknesses; same goes for my lover and friends.
A couple of days ago, my mother called. She called because she had no one else to call, she needed to tell me about this new job she starts Monday. It is hitting me now, she needed me. I just can stop crying...
I am filled with guilt, not realizing how separate we are, it hurts to know about her everyday life, to know the man she is with wasn't there for her, and he may be abusive, she may loose her house, and her dogs. To hear the happiness in her voice telling me about this new job, all the while I was thinking, "How strange is this? She called me." She's been out of work for a long time, she is 61 years old, a nurse, she has never been well mentally...all I kept thinking was, how long can she hold this job down? She nearly lost her house in 1996, the fire department and the city condemned it as fire and safety hazard, the city took over the cleaning and emptying of her house, after we tried doing it with her, it cost her a lot, she remortgaged her house, cashed out all her savings fighting a losing battle against the city... she lost her job for the first time soon after. All she ever worked for is in this house, why do I not hope the best for her? In my heart I do, and I am racked with guilt for giving up on her. I gave up calling on Mother's day, hoping that she'd know my kids' names, or getting a call from her on my birthday. I heard the suffering in her voice, I know the fear she feels not knowing where the next pay cheque will come from and when? I want to go hug her. I want to go buy her groceries, like she did for me, when I lived at the YWCA. Is it me wanting to mother her, or is it me wanting to be daughtered? Am I thinking of those around me who have lost a parent, and realize, once they are gone, all we have left are regrets. I have to take the risk of being hurt, and build a new relationship with her, I am just afraid of looking into her eyes, only to see my own shortcomings as her daughter. I accept who she is, but can I love her...?
I just remembered, now, she is only a woman, like me. Would I want my children to treat me like I have treated her?
So much I want to write here, but it's your blog not mine lol. So I will just say if it will make you feel good to take her groceries then do it. Anything else is a bonus.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get the bonus, it sounds like you deserve it :)
I have a life-long (even after) love affair with my Dad. When he passed he asked if my brother and I could look after my Mom. I wasn't very close to my mother, we had what you would call, a hate-love relationship.
ReplyDeleteI took her in with me now. It is not heaven, but after all, she's my mother and I do love her and I hate to see her so alone when I am here to keep her company. I think it's really really sad to be alone and feel unloved when you hit the twilight years. It was my choice and I live with that.
If you feel like helping her out, don't stop yourself. But do it because you chose to.