acceptance

I need to be accepted for who I am.
I have learned to accept who my loved ones are.
I love my kids for their strengths and weaknesses; same goes for my lover and friends.
A couple of days ago, my mother called. She called because she had no one else to call, she needed to tell me about this new job she starts Monday. It is hitting me now, she needed me. I just can stop crying...
I am filled with guilt, not realizing how separate we are, it hurts to know about her everyday life, to know the man she is with wasn't there for her, and he may be abusive, she may loose her house, and her dogs. To hear the happiness in her voice telling me about this new job, all the while I was thinking, "How strange is this? She called me." She's been out of work for a long time, she is 61 years old, a nurse, she has never been well mentally...all I kept thinking was, how long can she hold this job down? She nearly lost her house in 1996, the fire department and the city condemned it as fire and safety hazard, the city took over the cleaning and emptying of her house, after we tried doing it with her, it cost her a lot, she remortgaged her house, cashed out all her savings fighting a losing battle against the city... she lost her job for the first time soon after. All she ever worked for is in this house, why do I not hope the best for her? In my heart I do, and I am racked with guilt  for giving up on her. I gave up calling on Mother's day, hoping that she'd know my kids' names, or getting a call from her on my birthday. I heard the suffering in her voice, I know the fear she feels not knowing where the next pay cheque will come from and when? I want to go hug her. I want to go buy her groceries, like she did for me, when I lived at the YWCA. Is it me wanting to mother her, or is it me wanting to be daughtered? Am I thinking of those around me who have lost a parent, and realize, once they are gone, all we have left are regrets. I have to take the risk of being hurt, and build a new relationship with her, I am just afraid of looking into her eyes, only to see my own shortcomings as her daughter. I accept who she is, but can I love her...?
I just remembered, now, she is only a woman, like me. Would I want my children to treat me like I have treated her?

Recovery Journal Entries

These are parts of my recovery journal, I reread these sometimes, to prove something to myself...not sure what, guess I love my selective memory :)


entry dated Nov.22, 2008
Pain and Healing
my mind, it's gone, it left, or is it coming back?
memories trigger shit, shit I don't want to think about yet, I know it helps, but first it hurts,
IT HURTS LIKE HELL.
remembering heals?
healing hurts?
I keep forgetting the pain of healing, forgetting is a good thing, sometimes...
this path I walk alone in my head, but in my life there are others, I need to protect, I also need help, most days it all seems too much for one person alone.
when to ask for help? when do I do it on my own?
I fear my own failures
life lessons
harsh ones, good ones, healing ones...
This will one day be a lesson I look back on, I know I will be proud, but for now I allow the fear to be felt, and reach out to the helping hands around me, while I also remember the perseverance that has gotten me to here, to today, to comfort the ones who need my protection.

entry dated June 17, 2009
Fight or Flight
lovers lie, they leave, lovers love, and they hurt.
my heart is still here, you are just not there to feel it.
we were lovers once, now it's time to be just friends.
you say, "it's just not meant to be:", my heart begs to differ.
tonight, there is no fight left in me, life keeps sucking it out of my tired body.
my heart is till here, you are just not there to feel it.

entry dated July 10, 2009
i wish
i wish i could have what i want
and that what i want matters to someone
i wish i could live forever
and that my life would be happy
i wish i didn't feel things so deeply that i didn't feel at all
why am i here now? why do i keep coming back to this?
why do i not listen to the little voice that guided me well for a short time?
when did i forget to smile?
I don't like this emotion, i wish it would end
I want to find my path again, i feel lost.
how do i get back home?

entry dated Aug.8, 2009
 Deja Vu

have I been here before?
was I just in your arms, my eyes open wide, or were they shut?
did I speak these words, my voice unheard?
it's time for bed, my mind won't sleep.
writing helps me see, but tomorrow I won't remember, until I find this again, like the thoughts of my yesterdays, all new tomorrow;  like the smell that lingers as I lay down, it will be gone when I wake.
my tears, wish they could be bottled, stored, and placed on a shelf, in full view....so I don't forget today.
That thought, I've had it many a time, and to my dismay, I keep going back....
these tears I don't let you see, they matter to me.

entry dated May 18th 2010
Border Line

today took strength, I know I am,

today took love, of myself and others,

I cry in my strength.

I hear you, did you hear me?

There is a difference between words and actions.

Wow, do I actually have these boundaries?

I see where I end, and you begin.

cool, this is me, that is you, says the borderline.

I chose these, because I can see  my evolution...

A Good Role Model

Some close to me tell me I am a good role model... but my baby girl, she fascinates me, all her strengths, and weaknesses, all touch this mother's heart. Growing up, I have adopted many Mom's and Dad's over the years, they were friend's/boyfriends'/husbands' parents...and it has dawned on me, I have now adopted many sons and daughters, my friends' children and many of my children's friends. I have become the mother/daughter I needed to be. Maybe that is why some say I am a good role model, today. I still often feel inadequate, but I do love myself, what I love even more are my kids, biological and adopted along the way. My daughter, my baby girl is now a 15 year old young woman, her heart is so good, she is wise, naive, smart and so beautiful...I can't write this without crying, for all the wrongs I made in her short life so far, I only pray I can make it all up to her, for the rest of my life. I do feel a rush to get all things done before she is an adult, some 31 months left of her childhood, I weep. I know I will still be her mom, in 32 months...and pray her life will be a good one, once she flies on her own. She has a great sense of right and wrong, she opens her world to me, and I am so proud to be her Mom, she isn't perfect, but in my "mommy"eyes, she really is. She has been my most influential teacher ever. I found a letter I wrote to her, about 4 months before she was born, my words were full of hope, and so naive. Like mother, like daughter. I struggled so much as a young mother and wife... love is the answer...it just me lots of misunderstanding that simple truth. I then thought if I loved others with all my heart, all would be fine, only to find out, if I didn't love me, the love I showed others would be empty of the true love we have to give. I worry about her heart being broken, broken cerfews, drugs, the internet, friends coming and going, hard life lessons, like what happens when your closest girlfriend kisses your ex-boyfriend. I was a terribly awkward teenager, I was a loner, a misfit: my mother is a hoarder, and was very paranoid about people, all people were bad. I knew from the second I was pregnant, my doors would always be open to friends...for a long time I lived with no curtains and doors unlocked day and night, just to be my mother's extreme opposite. That was something I learned about myself, all those years as a young adult, I wanted to be her total opposite, not realizing all I had to be was myself. Running in the opposite direction of her, I followed many of her mistaken footsteps....I woke one day, I was 31, and to my horror, I had ended up in the same lonely, ugly emotional place my mother had gotten to, after her second separation. We all carry the scars of our childhoods, some cover them with shame, or make-up, or fancy clothes, other wear them proudly as badges of honour. I hope she learns to forgive, herself and others, and that learns to love herself first, sooner than I did. I overcame, so will my beautiful daughter, I can put my worries to bed for now...The hardest part of being a Mom, is knowing when you have to let them learn it for themselves.