Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD, those letters defined my life, for 30+ years,  they don't anymore, and others have come and gone.... OCD, SAD, BP,  There have been many words too, like: "cry baby", "psychotic", "manic", "witch", "bitch", "overly sensitive", "Hypochondriac", lazy, too scared, too hyper, too tired, too sad, depressed, abused, victim, and then there was survivor....that is the one that sticks, and I am.

sur·vi·vor

noun /sərˈvīvər/ 
survivors, plural

1. A person who survives, esp. a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died
   • - the sole survivor of the massacre
2. The remainder of a group of people or things
   • - a survivor from last year's team
3. A person who copes well with difficulties in their life
   • - she is a born survivor
4. A joint tenant who has the right to the whole estate on the other's death
   

 ~*~

The details of what I survived get blurry, and at this point in my life, they matter little. I cope now, in healthy ways, mostly. Writing was a big part of my therapies, keeping a  journal was a great way to learn what works for me, what my needs are. That was key for me, knowing myself. Not looking outside for my needs, not looking outside for answers...I am in a new phase, learning to love again, going off meds that were so needed for a long time, and dealing with the terrible withdrawal, insomnia, and mood swings. My Dr, bless her soul, has seen me through my entire adult life, looking at me with eyes of a mother, "Sail into these unknown waters, use caution my child, I know you have awareness of yourself, that is now your True North Star. I will be here, waiting at this safe harbor, when and if you need me, I'll be here." As when I said farewell to my therapist, she had even kinder words of well wishing, saying she was sure I would do great things with my new found life. We hugged and cried, I miss her wisdom, or was it mine? I love how I reflected in her eyes.
It is sometimes hard to imagine how I used to live my life, the terrible choices I made, the things I lived, the things I put my family through...
I am proud of who I am, I still get baffled and overwhelmed in my life, but I move on, forward....into the light.
I now reach out to a great support system I built. Yes I built it without awareness of doing so.
I wish I could thank in person, all those who have helped teach or guide me. All the therapists, doctors, lovers, friends, fellow "inmates", fellow students of life, Internet friends, bath buddies .....
Thank you for your gifts, may it have been, harsh words, tough love, insightful moments, there was once a woman who just put her hand on mine, she didn't know why I was crying, not a word was spoken and it changed my life, that moment.
Be good to everyone, from the homeless man who babbles to himself, to the cop who pulls you over for speeding, to your boss who is always on your ass...they all have lessons to teach, the universe put them there for a reason, don't miss that lesson, whatever it is.
It may be to change something in your life, change how you judge, ignore a responsibility, you may need to learn accountability, or to open your cold closed broken heart. One thing is certain, until you learn whatever lesson you need to learn, the universe, or God, or whatever you believe in,  will keep sending you this message, till you understand.