How I Describe Depression and Suicide

The blues are like dark rain clouds.
Depression is like a torrential rain storm. 
Suicidal thoughts are like hurricane force winds.
The outcome of this perfect storm can be recovery,
or it can result in death.

I felt a huge urge to share this, Robin Williams died a couple days ago, from suicide. It shocked me, and started many conversations about depression and suicide.


Surviving a suicide attempt is a struggle in itself.
Emotionally and physically. 
My first thought after waking from all of them was, "Well you failed even at this!"
Then the hard personal work of learning to WANT to live again.
Then it was facing my family, my children...
I felt so much shame, I could barley look anyone in the eyes. 
It is so damn painful to remember, and talk about, even today 10 years after the last time.
I remember, a few weeks after being home, and my eldest asking, as she heard the pill bottle, as I took my meds, "Mommy, are you taking too many again?" (at 8,she had been told what I did, by my partner at the time)
Yes, I know the harm I did to them, I can't say I have or ever will forgive myself for that. Confidently, I can say today that I will forever, do everything in my power to be there for them. The first step, as guided by a great therapist, was to be able to promise my children, that I would never, ever let myself get so hopeless that I would do that again. It took close to a year of personal therapy for me to be able to say it, and believe it.
Fast forward to present, I am doing well, I've kept my promise.
I have more good days than bad ones.

My recovery symbol is the rainbow, that too comes after a storm.

crazy

I don't understand anything!
not a map, not what I am to do in this life of mine, not love...
everything changes, am I so stuck, unable to adapt...
I keep crying out of frustration, even words have new meaning they didn't have yesterday.
maybe this is insanity, maybe my life is backwards and I was always insane, and somehow I thought I had learned all these healthy ways of being, that was all my invention? am I living all this in my head? am I crazy? am I supposed to fight this, or let it take me over? I have a new job starting, full of hope and dread.
what do I work on first? the everyday stuff takes all my energy...where does my energy go? will I ever have time for me?