I missed the changing of the leaves, again.

For anyone who has lived with chronic depression, you may understand this post, to those who live with or love someone who does, this may help.
I have lived with depression for most of my life.
The first time I can remember being different as a child was at 7. I had changed school after my mom and step father separated, they put me in a free-flow class. It was meant for children with learning difficulties. I was always a problem child, as they called us back then. I ran away for the first time that year, I lost the only friend I had, my dad had remarried and started a new family, I had my first communion and I learned that angels went to heaven, that is when I started dreaming of dying, both to see my friend again and to meet God, who would love me, no matter what.
In that apartment, there was me, my mom, my kid sister, we'd only live there one year. The next apartment was in the same district I had been at school at, so I went back to my old school, that helped me,we lived there 4 years before my mother bought a house, that is where we got our first dog, Benji. By the time I left that house, we had 3 dogs, about 8 cats, a dozen birds, fish, turtles, we had bottle fed squirrels and skunks and set the ones that lived free. Other than love for my sister, and even some of the damn pets; there were no happy memories in that house. I had tried to end my life at least twice by the age of 17, I would try several more times, then at 31, I quit trying to die, I started to learn to LIVE. I am 39 now, and have suffered 3 major bouts of depression since 2004, many depressive episodes lasting under 2 months, I've taken anti-depressants, other kinds like anti-psychotic, mood stabilizers. I found a sun lamp, therapy and getting enough sleep are the way to stay depression free.
My last major depression was in 2007, it was early winter, and one morning, I just took the dog or a walk, and realized all the trees were bare, I missed the changing color of the leaves, and even the mountains of fallen leaves, all due to  this depression. This week, I noticed the tree in our back yard is bare, I missed it again. I am glad I noticed now, but sad because it reminds me that even when doing my best, depression can still sneak up on me.
It makes me unable to see the world, the people around me. I am replaced by this zombie person I hate, this woman, who loses the ability to show love and laughter. I regret the things I say, I hurt the ones I love the most. Then the overcompensating (guilt of bad behavior) drags me even lower into physical exhaustion.
At least I see this now, before it gets worse. I have to forgive my short comings, and move on, being the best me, as I recover from this set back.