I wonder if my daily struggles matter?
I know they matter to me, and those close to me, and at this point it is all overwhelming.
I have worked hard to get here, and back then I thought once that work was done, I'd be "worry free" here and now. That is completely false, because my here and now challenges all I have learned, and worked for. Will there be a time I can sit back and enjoy my life? Will I have those "rocking chair on the porch with the grand kids playing in the yard" moments?
The universe will keep sending these struggles till I learn the correct lesson....maybe that is why when we die, we reach that "perfectness" that God is.
I'd rather learn a good 20 years before I go back to Him.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
tree trunks
I was driving home today, when I saw a truck carrying tree trunks. I got sad, remembering how to tell the "age" of a tree...seeing the rings made me think of each of those rings, or years....short one for little growth, the long ones for lots of growth...like us, humans. I realized it saddens me to see a cut tree, the core of me hurts. Our years are marked the same way....these last couple years would be the longest rings on my trunk. I have grown in ways I never thought possible. These 20 trunks, how many stories can each individual tree tell, what about each ring, branch or leaf that grew on one tree...The things it saw in the last 20-50-100 years. Have you ever really looked at a leaf? I've always been fascinated with human reproduction, but what about that leaf, how many processes did it take for it to go from bud, to green leaf to red or brown once it fell off? The sun, the rain, the cold dark winters, forest fires, logging...
As a tree I'd never want to be "cut-down", I want to fall, gracefully at a meter diameter, after an ice Storm. I want to be climbed, I want birds to nest in my branches, couples to carve hearts and initials, and a tire-swing on my lower branches...once I have fallen, I hope that someone uses me to build a fire, for heat and light, we'd come full circle, together, my tree self and the one who wrote this.
As a tree I'd never want to be "cut-down", I want to fall, gracefully at a meter diameter, after an ice Storm. I want to be climbed, I want birds to nest in my branches, couples to carve hearts and initials, and a tire-swing on my lower branches...once I have fallen, I hope that someone uses me to build a fire, for heat and light, we'd come full circle, together, my tree self and the one who wrote this.
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
Hello, I have a story to write...
Here I am, I was led here by a fellow student of life.
I'll start with August 8th 2004, many things died that day, but I wasn't one of them, thank goodness. It was a dark day, marked by rain, smoke and sirens. I executed my departure plan perfectly; I emptied my purse, I left my wallet, my rings and a note. I carried my water and many pills in my now spacious purse, smokes and a light in the pocket too, and every 5 steps or so, I'd stop to swallow some, I remember that part clearly. As the terrible thoughts and ghosts that had haunted me for 31 years did there "thing" on my drunken body and mind, I walked for a while, I knew where I wanted to lay down...this is where my plan failed, I never made it into the woods, I didn't get to lay under trees till all my pain would go away... The cold rain convinced me to lay under the overpass, things get blurry here, I know I knocked at some one's door, asking for a blanket, I think I got handed a towel, as I did lay trembling, I decided to build a fire, that's when I remember being asked to stand, I try and end up rolling down the hill. The next thing I remember is waking up muddy in hospital, that was 2 days later. I remember bits and pieces, my Dad is there, I see both my ex's, the last one tells me, "there is no way you can come home.", someone brings me coffee...there are many people who ask the same questions, same answers given and within 6 days, I am out. That is where my journey to recovery began, that first night out of the loony bin, with 2 small children in tow, I needed to find us a home. Looking back now, I wish I had stayed inside longer, I regret those first few months .... but I guess that was what we had to live to get to where we are now.
I've returned to that place, where I set the fire, where I've buried many letters there, to God, my children, my ex, I finally let go of that past, it took years, and I learned to forgive myself and that I'll write about that later. In therapy, I was told I lit that fire because I wanted to live, it took a long time for me to understand that and even longer to believe it.
I'll start with August 8th 2004, many things died that day, but I wasn't one of them, thank goodness. It was a dark day, marked by rain, smoke and sirens. I executed my departure plan perfectly; I emptied my purse, I left my wallet, my rings and a note. I carried my water and many pills in my now spacious purse, smokes and a light in the pocket too, and every 5 steps or so, I'd stop to swallow some, I remember that part clearly. As the terrible thoughts and ghosts that had haunted me for 31 years did there "thing" on my drunken body and mind, I walked for a while, I knew where I wanted to lay down...this is where my plan failed, I never made it into the woods, I didn't get to lay under trees till all my pain would go away... The cold rain convinced me to lay under the overpass, things get blurry here, I know I knocked at some one's door, asking for a blanket, I think I got handed a towel, as I did lay trembling, I decided to build a fire, that's when I remember being asked to stand, I try and end up rolling down the hill. The next thing I remember is waking up muddy in hospital, that was 2 days later. I remember bits and pieces, my Dad is there, I see both my ex's, the last one tells me, "there is no way you can come home.", someone brings me coffee...there are many people who ask the same questions, same answers given and within 6 days, I am out. That is where my journey to recovery began, that first night out of the loony bin, with 2 small children in tow, I needed to find us a home. Looking back now, I wish I had stayed inside longer, I regret those first few months .... but I guess that was what we had to live to get to where we are now.
I've returned to that place, where I set the fire, where I've buried many letters there, to God, my children, my ex, I finally let go of that past, it took years, and I learned to forgive myself and that I'll write about that later. In therapy, I was told I lit that fire because I wanted to live, it took a long time for me to understand that and even longer to believe it.
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