Just words

there can be truth in tears lies behind a smile the tragedy of birth peace in death there is dread in hope surrender to despair recieve darkness my closest friend open mind close heart walk in walk out

Life Changes

We used to write here, in another time and place. Loving, passionate words. We loved and raised our kids, all grown and flown. That WAS our plan. It was our goal. I was your brown eyed girl, now I'm a brown eyed gran! Oh the joy this new title brings. Our lives were busy, we've have our share of ups and downs. Lots has changed, the fire took our "there" and since then, we lost our footing. We are working on it. I'm glad we are finding our way back to eachother.

Growing Pain

It hurts to be a Mom, to watch my children pull away.
It hurts to be in a relationship, when I need to change.
My world is changing fast, I am reluctant, tired and confused.
I can cry about a story, but my own pain stays deep inside,
until it doesn't.

Why is being kind or loving to each other so difficult now, when before it was easy? Our days filled with things to do, so few kind words and actions between more things to do.

relapse, recovery, re-relapse, re-recovery...

I say I am a recovered Borderline, I think it's true, then I don't.
My anxiety is at it worse in the last few years, new meds, new docs, hospital stays, at work, off on short term disability, my life is a mess, our family ever changing, people come, people go.
My childhood hurts come back with such a vengeance, I will be 47 fucking years old next week, why does everyone around me trigger these feelings of not being important enough, not good enough, why do I push myself to the extreme of exhaustion? Will there be peace in my battle for life, or will this war go on till my death?

mad

everyday i feel closer to crazy than the one before
i feel further from where i thought i wanted to be, than i am
maybe things are just upside down, or sideways
could this be my path and i keep fighting it
could it be i am supposed to fight it, or just give in and fully embrace the madness
who is right
who are they, who know it all
who am i who knows nothing and everything all at once
lost and found at the same time in a different place different time
maybe this is madness and all i have to do is stop breathing
maybe it is only a dream or nightmare i will wake from soon
this could be me personal hell, for all my sins, or sins of all who came before
is anything real, beautiful, happy
i feel pain sadness and regret
all day everyday

PTSD?

I was born of lust ,according to my mother, an accident, according to my father.
They divorced after I was 3 years old.
Soon after that, an uncle showed me sexuality, that was wrong, but he was gentle.
I became a big sister when I was 4 and a half for the first time.
My grandparents LOVED me, my grandma hugged me and we baked, my grandpa gave the best back rubs, they both made me feel good.
I was an odd child at school, at 8 I had a friend, she died after being hit by a school bus in front of me.
I ran away a lot. I ran from my fears, I ran from my mother's abuse, I ran from the police who came after me, and they always took me home.
My mom didn't like me much, I know she did her best to provide material things, a house in a good area, I had ballet, diving, swimming, but she worked long hours and was an angry and harsh woman.
As a teen I chased too many boys.
My first suicide attempt was at 15.
I left home before I was 18 and got my sister out of there soon after.
I lived at the YWCA (the women's Y)
I married at 21 and became a mom at 22, our marriage lasted only 5 years 5 months.
Tried to create a new family, with a new man, that lasted only 4 years.
I stayed single for a while after that.
Diagnosed, misdiagnosed...BPD, bi-polar, crazy plain and simple.
Lots of therapy for me, my kids, for our family.
8 years after the last serious man in my life, I tried again.
We are on our 6th year.
The kids are mostly grown now, my baby is 15....
This new phase of my life, where I bawl when seeing a birth on TV, knowing I will never have a baby. I am 44 years old, crying about never having another baby, never being able to nurse a baby, this thought devastates me. I have birthed and nursed 3 children and helped raise 2 teenage girls with my spouse. I couldn't handle a baby, but I still bawl about it.
I keep reliving my grandmother's death, she died the day after New year's 2016, I miss her so terribly. I have panic attacks regularly now, sobbing episodes, losing words that I need to speak, forgetting where I put my keys, and mood swings, MENOPAUSE here I come.
My new therapist thinks I have PTSD (never had those letters before LOL) I think she is right, I have had SO much therapy, I have been through so much as well. I still struggle with not being able to fix myself after all these years, but at least I have a new project for myself.
I had to let this all out, now, as I start a new journey of "fixing" me.