Growing Pain

It hurts to be a Mom, to watch my children pull away.
It hurts to be in a relationship, when I need to change.
My world is changing fast, I am reluctant, tired and confused.
I can cry about a story, but my own pain stays deep inside,
until it doesn't.

Why is being kind or loving to each other so difficult now, when before it was easy? Our days filled with things to do, so few kind words and actions between more things to do.

relapse, recovery, re-relapse, re-recovery...

I say I am a recovered Borderline, I think it's true, then I don't.
My anxiety is at it worse in the last few years, new meds, new docs, hospital stays, at work, off on short term disability, my life is a mess, our family ever changing, people come, people go.
My childhood hurts come back with such a vengeance, I will be 47 fucking years old next week, why does everyone around me trigger these feelings of not being important enough, not good enough, why do I push myself to the extreme of exhaustion? Will there be peace in my battle for life, or will this war go on till my death?