I am growing to HATE my awareness. I'm not even sure that is it's proper name. I am a grown child of abuse, specifically my mother's abuse, she was abusive in every way a parent can abuse their child. I do not hate her, I worked hard to work out how I feel, at this point in my life, I feel pity for her, and all her lost/failed relationships, and how she lives her everyday life today. For those who don't know, she is an animal hoarder, her most obvious disorder at this point. She has always been paranoid, scheming kind of gal, who does become violent when she doesn't get her way.
I have Daddy issues, he didn't save me from her... he didn't even believe me or do anything when I was acting out or running away, he just went on with his life, remarried and had 3 other kids, my first brother has my name, for a boy, I am Stephanie, he is Stephane. Basically, in my then, 5 year old child brain and heart, not only did he not love me anymore, he replaced me... with a SON. My Daddy issues are DEEP, and I dealt less with those than my Mommy issues. I am guessing more therapy is needed, lol. Yes I can laugh at myself, all too often, I take myself too seriously. I don't hate him, but he is the "normal" one, although to be honest, he has his own issues, addicted to gambling...I know in my mind, he just did his best, in my heart I just wish he had at least tried to do more, maybe I wouldn't be so deeply affected by other children's suffering...but is that really what I want? To be unaware, and uncaring....I already know that is a definite NO.
I still feel hurts way deep, maybe my old soul weeps as hard as my current body does.
Back to why I hate my "awareness" now. I have 2 amazing step-daughters, they have an abusive, addicted Mother. Her actions/words towards her daughters, wake the fiercest protecting genes in my body, it is causing my to be unable to separate my past from their present. Not sure what that word is...(transference?) Anyways, back to trying to explain this. I don't want to fight with my Love, he is an amazing Father, he has always been open to hearing my observations, feelings and advice on his girls, but right now I feel his ex's parental rights end where their daughters' mental health begin. We do not agree on how to deal with this situation... it is upsetting. We will work this out, we even have an appointment next week to speak to a therapist. I just wish I could not feel so deeply.
Love, I love you ... I hope my fears and past don't affect how you think I feel about us, our life, our Love. I just want you to trust me, and forgive my tone of voice, and frustrations of the last couple weeks.
